I've Returned (with a bag full of magical chick peas)

Dear Students, I've returned. I also apologize for leaving you all without any words of reassurance, but it was a dire emergency. UN (not United Nations, but Union of Norway) had sent me on a world tour to gather information. Yes! That surely sounds very, very unlikely, but you will change your mind once I tell you the two magic words that will explain everything. Those words are: For Real!
Now that you have realized and accepted the truth, I can tell you the things I saw, or discovered, which will expand your mind, dear students. Following is the list of wisdom I acquired from my journey:

1. Gotham City, indeed, is fictional.

2. Mr. Blue Sky (the song) is translated with remarkable ambiguity in Africa under the title African Sunset.

3. Mountain Singing (singing loudly in mountains without expressing any concern towards the bystanders) is still used as a test of sanity.

4. In the utmost south part of Indonesia, there lies a bank behind the stream of Banana trees, where you can get Giant Cardboard Checks for opening a checking account.

5. Manwich is still considered Devil's leftover barf in the western part of Canada.

6. Celebrity wardrobe malfunctions are not a stunt for fame, rather a well planned string of revenge constructed by angry tailors regarding issues with re-stitching.

7. Wearing different color socks reduces the body's need to sweat.

Memorize these words, dear students. They will help you in your life.

SANTA, STILL, BETTER THAN YOUR FAMILY COMBINED

Dear students as you can sense the winter is on its way and like always its bringing holidays. What you should also notice is the lack of its predecessor, the fall. It is not yet here, because its only September. We've calenders so we can keep track of nature and have an upper hand on her. So, why is it that there are Christmas sales going on in big stores already? How much time does one needs to shop for their family? In this time and day, there are no large families, people stop having kids after their third child.
Christmas sales usually begin the day after Thanksgiving, giving you more than 20 days of shopping. If you shop for two people in one day, thats forty people's gift. You can even up that number if you have a family member who recently had a child, buy them factory size diaper bags - they want them, they need them, they are just too shy to ask. Then why such a shopping rush, even before Halloween? Is it greed? No, dear students, this time it is not greed. This time the mall owners want you to know the truth and that truth is: you are pathetically slow. I'm not glad to mention it, but its true. You are slow.

When an aerodynamically flawless, fat, jolly man can go around the world, give every good kid their presents and bad kids malaria, eat more cookies than your Professor and drink your glass of milk, and do it all in 24 hours while you struggle to get your shopping done within twenty days, it only means that you are slow. Pathetically slow.

"Oh! This is sad, Professor. I'm ashamed to be alive. How can I improve?" Oh, dear students, don't be so harsh on yourself. There is hope, there is a solution. Even you can be as fast as the sugary junkie in red clothing. And, thats his secret - sugar. In order to be fast like Mr. Santa, you must choose the Santa diet. A box of cookies consumed twenty minutes before you begin your shopping and trust you me, dear students, you will be as fast and scary as the Jolly man.



Extra Credit (Post your answers in the comments)

1. Will consuming more eggs make me hard to get caught?

LEAVE GOD'S PLAN ALONE

Dear students, I've noticed a change in you since after our first lesson. Even though I'm very proud that you all are learning and taking steps towards a positive change, you all need to leave God's plan alone. STOP PRAYING!
If you have faith in God then have faith in his plan. If he wants you to have rectum cancer, its part of his plan. Do not go running to a doctor and ask him to alter what God has done to you. If God hates your bacon, and you desire his love, then stop eating bacon. Do not order turkey bacon, do not ask God to show some love towards the pig. And, do not, under any circumstances, believe that if you are eating ham its all good. It's not.

GOD HATES YOU AND YOUR BACON

Dear Students, welcome to the first lesson. Today we will talk about two very important and everlasting things surrounding humanity; God and Bacon. They say God works in mysterious ways. God provides humans with a choice, that choice leads to committing sin, but its those sins that he doesn't like; and now, students, he also doesn't like BACON!

When I first ate bacon, I said to myself: WOW!, now this is just great. This stuff tastes great, smells even better, and has this keen ability to shrink. So, not only you get great tasting and smelling food, you also get a little shrinking show while you cook it. Full delicious entertainment. Then I was told that bacon is also somewhat unhealthy. That's understandable, and your Professor made his peace with it. But how? I'll tell you. I said to myself: Don't worry, once you are dead, health is no more a concern. You'll go to heaven, and you can have all the bacon you want. Eat bacon for breakfast, lunch, supper, dinner, and few more times in between.

No more. Those fantasies are gone. I'm being hated and so is my bacon. I've thought of this and realized that if there is no bacon in heaven, then, dear students, it is not the place to be.

Since, God hates bacon you won't find it in heaven, where will you find it? Hell!, that's right.
As you students already know that hell is a place where there is fire everywhere. So, now we have a place where there is bacon and fire. And what do you get when you put them together: full delicious entertainment. Therefore, we must strive for hell, and I've found a great way to achieve that, and it's simply by eating Bacon!

In this world of uncertainty, always remember my dear students - Bacon will only lead you to more bacon.




Extra Credit (Post your answers in the comments)

1. Does God hate other forms of pig meat and why?
2. Should the person, holding the sign, be beaten by their own sign or a new sign saying: God hates people who just make up signs?
3. Did God make Taco Bell chihuahua disappear for good?